Who needs statistics when we’ve got reality.

While many of my friends spent our junior year abroad in exotic places like Florence, Tanzania, Nepal, Paris and Argentina, I opted for the wilds of St. Louis, MO.

My main gig was volunteering at a domestic violence agency where I researched and wrote the organization’s history, taught dating violence prevention in local schools and worked on the 24-hour crisis hotline. And in order to do this terrifying and terribly important hotline work, I went through an intense and long training program.

• I learned why women stay in abusive relationships when it seems so obvious to the rest of us that they should leave.
• I learned that violence is a vicious cycle.
• And, I learned a number of statistics.

Most of theses numbers have stuck in my brain like gnarly, nasty pieces of chewed gum stuck under the lunch table – ugly to look at, hard to touch, easy to pretend they aren’t there. One of the stats goes like this: The day with the highest rate of domestic violence in the U.S. is Super Bowl Sunday.

Colts vs. Saints

Two days ago, as I sat at my computer working and occasionally watching the Facebook and Twitter streams of Super Bowl brouhaha pass me by, I found it hard to ignore this stuck-in-my-head statistic. I felt rising panic at what was likely going on as the Colts looked good…and then really bad, as the alcohol was consumed, as the chips ran out, as the bets were lost.

So, I put up a tweet and a FB status update telling people about the stat and offering up the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

What happened next utterly, totally and completely floored me.

Some women, women, came after me. They said the stat was bogus. One said, and I quote: “That is an unfounded myth propogated by the media and womens activist groups. Set the record straight.” (spelling/grammar errors are listed verbatim)

Can you imagine? Women-centric activist groups having the nerve to tell the world that on a day when alcohol, tension and the chance for losing large sums of money are high, there is a greater incidence of domestic violence? The horror. Don’t get me started on the idea that these groups have been lumped in with ‘the media’.

I’ve since learned there are many sides to the validity of the actual stat.

This comment also included the following quote, “On January 31, 1993, when Ken Ringle of The Washington Post questioned the information mentioned in the press release, other news media quickly retracted their articles covering the domestic violence story. The damage was done. The myth continues and Super Bowl Sunday is still sometimes referred to as Bloody Sunday, Abuse Bowl, a Day of Dread, and the Most Dangerous Day in America.”

The damage was done. Yes. Citizens of this country were once again made to look at the fact that women and children are beaten in their own homes every single day by the people who are supposed to love and cherish them. And how dare we disrupt Super Bowl Sunday with this blasphemy! Oh holy, holy day!

My question is, who cares about the validity of this stat? IS THIS WHAT WE SHOULD BE WASTING OUR BREATH ARGUING ABOUT? Domestic Violence is true, real, happening  - right now. And what made these women flare up against me and my status update about this? It confounds me!!! For heaven’s sake, use your breath to help someone, not squabble over what Snopes says!

And how can we believe that information from Ken Ringle up above. Hello? How many lies are we fed every day by industries with ulterior motives!?! I mean, do you really think Cheerios will save you from getting heart disease? PLEASE!!! The fight against the Super Bowl stat is based in the fact that it is a huge day for advertisers and TV: ‘Don’t fuck it up for us with your downer information, thank you’ is, I believe, their message.

My mom

My mother, bless her, has spent roughly 20 years of her life tirelessly working to bring awareness to and raise money for the ugly reality of domestic violence – and she isn’t done yet. Having retired from her role as Development Director, she’s now taking the training again so that she’s up to date and ready to again volunteer on the crisis hotline at Safe Connections in St. Louis.

In her training session this past Saturday (the day before the Big Game), someone (coincidentally) asked about the Super Bowl statistic. And the Director of the hotline said there’s a lot of discrepancy about the statistic. But that the organization personally tracks all of their calls, and every year, every year calls and DV reports spike on Super Bowl Sunday and the entire week that follows.

Statistic are hard to get. Especially when they surround an issue that people keep quiet, viciously undercover – so they don’t get arrested (the abuser) or so that they don’t get killed by their abuser (the abusee). Another stat: the chance an abused woman will be killed by her abuser if she tries to leave the situation increases roughly 75%.

What we do know is that an agency in downtown St. Louis, Missouri (middle America, right in the heartland) has their own stats. And they aren’t good.

If you or someone you know is being hurt, please reach out. Everyone deserves to be safe.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Image credit: sinosplice

Filed under Blogging, How To, Myth or Reality, News, Politics, Social Media | Tags: Blogging, domestic violence, Facebook, social media, Twitter, women | Comments (17)

When the Justice System Fails: The Case of Rihanna

When I was a junior in college – my ‘year abroad’ was actually spent back home in St. Louis working at a local domestic violence agency. I went through extensive training, taught violence prevention education to middle school and high school students and I worked on the agency’s crisis line.

The training was intense and the prevention work was inspiring and incredible – spurring me on to teach (as I have in various ways ever since). But working the crisis line was terrifying. The reality of the violence and the lives these women were leading were nearly too much for my 20 year old self to bear.

I learned several things:

• If an abused woman tries to leave her abuser, the likelihood that he will try to kill her raises dramatically – as in, it’s close to a sure bet.
• Abuse doesn’t happen over night. If someone hit you on the first date, you’d be gone in a flash. It builds slowly through a dedicated process of intimidation, fear, isolation, humiliation and control.
• The violence escalates. Following the well-documented cycle of violence, it usually starts with mental/emotional abuse and leads to physical abuse, sexual abuse and sometimes murder. Between each act, is a system of apologies and promises, a stealth-like honeymoon phase and a trigger that starts it all over again.
• As a result, an abused woman needs the support and help of friends, family and the justice system to help her save her life. It is next to impossible for her to do it on her own.
• This is in no way, shape or form a sign of her weakness, stupidity or inability to function.  It is directly indicative of the power of the abuser and the way that he has stripped her of  anything resembling a self.

The Case of Rhianna

In case you haven’t heard, last week, Chris Brown beat his girlfriend, Rihanna. The details of how he smashed her head into a window, punched her repeatedly, put her in a  headlock until she nearly passed out and bit her over and over again can be found here.

This could be the story of so many couples – but it happens to be the story of a best-selling R&B artist and his girlfriend, the Grammy winner. And so, it’s splashed all over the news.

We get to see the pictures of her face. We get to read the notes from the detectives. We know that Sean ‘Diddy’ ‘Puff Daddy’ Combs or whatever his name is, has decided to play God and bring Chris and Rihanna to his Estate and have them reconcile. We know from Rihanna’s dad that he can’t get a hold of her, her mother can’t get a hold of her, her cell phone number has been changed, her email has been changed – she has all but disappeared.

And we get to hear that Chris Brown went to court on Friday and entered no plea – and was charged with two felonies. But, he was allowed to go free until April. And even with all of the evidence and the police reports and the blood splattered all over the car, there is no restraining order. Chris Brown can get as close to Rihanna as he wants. Though the judge did tell him: “You are not to annoy, harass, molest, threaten or use force or violence against anyone.”

And that should make us all feel better because I’m sure now he won’t hurt her! The judge told him not to, after all. Excuse me while I vomit.

Chris’s lawyer said there will be no restraining order because “Miss Fenty [Rihanna] does not request such an order.” Uh huh. Maybe because she’s being threatened with her life if she does such a thing and she’s surrounded by egotistical R&B ‘kings’ who won’t let her talk to her family.

These two singers are in the spotlight – kids idolize them and they are watching this story unfold.

I’m sick. I’m sick that this happens every day to ‘everywoman’ – the nameless, faceless women that deal with domestic violence and abuse. I’m sicker that this is happening, more or less, in broad daylight, and no one is doing anything to help this woman. I’m about to hop a plane to Miami and rescue Rihanna myself – and I have no clout, no money and no power. All I do have is a voice and an audience via this blog and social media – so here I am.

Come on OPRAH. Come on Katie Couric. Come on Tori Amos (founder of RAINN). Come on Queen Latiffah. Come on Michelle Obama. Come on elected female federal officials. WHERE ARE YOU? Make a fuss. Help this woman and let your voice help all women.

UPDATE: Okay, Oprah said something – but not enough. And who ever the guy is on her show says that Chris Brown better be careful because he could have killed her. Are you kidding? HE should be careful? Why is anyone worried about him saving his reputation or his career – this is a woman’s LIFE we’re talking about. Gross.

It is never okay to be hit, raped, abused or treated badly by anyone. If you are in this situation, please call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) to get help.

Yes, the majority of references to the facts come from Perez Hilton. And, yes, he is an un-apologetic gossip Queen. He is also as pissed about this situation as I am. And with millions of visitors to his site everyday, he is, in fact, careful about checking out sources before publishing. I’ve been un-apologetically reading his site for a long time, and I’ve got to say, his ‘gossip’ pretty much always turns out to be true – and when it doesn’t, he says so. Thank you, Perez for letting millions of people know how horrid this situation this is.

Filed under News | Tags: chris brown, crisis hotline, dating violence, domestic violence, perez hilton, RAINN, rihanna, violence against women | Comments (19)